Resident blogger Carina Kolodny with her top ten tips on how to bring up the issue of sexual health with a potential or existing partner.

As sex educators, we always put an emphasis on “the talk”. You know, the discussion you’re supposed to have with any new partner (the discussion that many of us ‘forget’.) All this talk about ‘the talk’ but how, exactly does one go about having ‘the talk’?

It’s uncomfortable and strange. We’re so discreet about sex in our culture that even when we’re having it, we’re not so eager to jump into a lengthy discussion BUT that discussion is the key to protecting yourself and your partner. Yet, “umm are you clean?” has serious potential to ruin the mood.

Of course there are many different ways to broach the subject but I decided to compile a list of suggestions for breaking the ice and having a comprehensive conversation.

1. If at all avoidable, don’t have the discussion right before sex. When half of your clothes are on the floor, you probably don’t want to start talking about Chlamydia. (Not so sexy.) If you’ve been in a relationship with somebody for a while and see sex in the near future, find a comfortable time in a more relaxed setting to talk about it.

2. Don’t take offense when somebody initiates the talk with you. It doesn’t mean they think you’re dirty, it just means they’re interested in protecting their body (and yours for that matter.) Think of it this way: if they’re bringing it up with you, they’ve probably brought it up with past partners, which makes you that much more safe.

3. Don’t be afraid to tell the truth. If you’ve had an issue in the past that could still present a problem for your partner, talk about it. It doesn’t mean they’re going to run for the hills, it just means you both have to be conscious and careful. While it might weird some people out, being dishonest is a much more sure-fire way to get dumped or ditched. Specifically with HIV/AIDS, individuals who know their status and have unprotected sex without revealing it to their partner can be in serious legal trouble. Many people have been convicted of manslaughter for doing just that.

4. Don’t run for the hills! If you care about somebody and want to have sex with them, don’t let their history freak you out. 1 in 3 people are infected with genital warts and most of these people don’t even know it! If you’re partner is aware of something they have and is being honest with you, count yourself as lucky. Talk about the ways you can avoid contracting whatever they’re carrying.

5. Keep in mind that just because you (or your partner) think you’re clean, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are. Many sexually transmitted infections take time to exhibit symptoms or even show up in tests. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and want to have sex without protection, it’s best to wait a couple months into the relationship and both get tested before ditching the rubbers.

6.  Define ‘monogamous.’ If you expect your partner to be monogamous, TELL THEM. They can’t read your mind. I, personally, associate sex with a serious commitment. If you feel the same way, it’s your responsibility to tell your partner that.

7. Remember what being on birth control means. It means you have a very slim chance of getting pregnant if you use the your contraceptive correctly. However, most contraceptives (with the exception of condoms) do not protect you from Sexually Transmitted Infections. It’s an important part of the conversation but it doesn’t mean, “yeah so I’m on birth control so you don’t have to go buy condoms.”

8. You can’t tell if somebody has an STI just by looking at them. This may seem obvious but I know a lot of young women who say, “he didn’t look like the type of guy who would have __________.” There is no “type.” STIs do not discriminate by race, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic status or the brand of jeans somebody wears. (They’re very politically correct that way.)

9. While completely inadvisable, if you’re going to avoid the discussion all together, USE A CONDOM. Period.

10. For that matter, ALWAYS use a condom. If you make a rule to ALWAYS use condoms, you don’t have to discriminate. You can say, “look it has nothing to do with you or thinking you might have something, I’ve just made a commitment to myself to always use condoms.” If your partner is bothered by this, they’ll deal with it. If they don’t deal with it, you probably don’t want to be having sex with somebody who doesn’t value your body and your protection, not to mention your confidence.

So I’ve shown you mine, will you show me yours? How have you brought up the talk in the past? Or how do you plan to in the future?

This post is by our resident blogger Carina Kolodny

Carina Kolodny is a writer and expert coffee shop loiterer based out of NYC. When not writing (or loitering) she can usually be found traveling the world or jumping out of airplanes. She became interested in HIV education while working with the Red Cross in Fiji. This was an enriching though terrifying experience as she hates snakes almost as much as she hates grammar. She counts Fiji, Cuba and Tanzania as second homes and strongly believes in the power of self love and red lipstick.