I have become an expert at befriending strangers. As my Grandmother liked to say I “collect people.” I find my “collections” in coffee shops and at check-out lines, in dressing rooms or on long plane rides. On the most recent occasion, I was drinking a Coke at the Ace Hotel in New York City. An older man was sitting on the other side of this red vintage couch and the second he took a break from his book, I asked him what he was reading.

Photo posed by a model

“It’s called Wretched of the Earth. Why do you ask?”

“Oh I’m just curious. You looked like you were enjoying it.”

“I’m not sure if ‘enjoying’ it is the right word but it’s definitely very interesting.”

“What’s it about? If you don’t mind me asking”

“Um it’s about the role of violence in effecting historical change. Basically it’s just talking about colonialism… Bored yet?”

“No that actually sounds interesting.” Our shared interest in unhappy subject matter sparked a longer conversation. His name was Bill. He was a just-retired infectious disease doctor, from Jersey originally. He had specialized in HIV/AIDS.

I felt that I needed to ask him something so I proposed the one question I sincerely wanted an answer to: Why is HIV so contagious? How can it spread so fast?

I expected a long and detailed answer. I was sure it would be elaborate, confusing, technical. I was preparing to nod knowingly even if I didn’t understand a word he was saying…

But Bill’s response was only one word, only five letters: “shame.”

It was certainly strange to hear something so palatable but ever since my conversation with Bill, I’ve been thinking about the complexities.

Certainly shame is manifest in the still-existing stigma surrounding HIV/AIDS but I think it reaches beyond that.

We’re ashamed of our bodies, ashamed of our sexuality, too ashamed to talk about SEX. These universally relevant topics have been deemed ill-fit for conversation. So we don’t talk about them and in failing to talk about them, we set an example: Sex is dirty. Sexuality is dirty. Our bodies are dirty. Of course, these ideas aren’t preventing anybody from BEING sexual, they’re simply preventing everybody from talking about “it” in an open and healthy way.

And when it comes to issues of sex, a lack of communication can be completely catastrophic. Of course HIV/AIDS spreads like wildfire in a culture where discussions aren’t had and questions aren’t asked. Too many young people come of age without having a “sex talk” with their parents. Too many young girls are never told that masturbation isn’t just for boys. Too many teens are given unrealistic expectations: “you’ll only have sex when your married, your partner will always be faithful.”

All of this bubbles over into our adult consciousness and informs the choices we make. We are shamed into silence, uncomfortable with the types of conversation necessary for safe and meaningful sex… Instead of pushing through the awkwardness, we avoid the discussion all together.

My story might be long winded but my point is simple: while doctors and scientists look at the virus itself to find a cure, perhaps we should be introspective to find a better means of prevention.

After all, shame can be overcome by four words: “LET’S TALK ABOUT IT!”

What do YOU think? Would the world be a better, safer place if we all talked about sex a little more?

This post is by our resident blogger Carina Kolodny

Carina Kolodny is a writer and expert coffee shop loiterer based out of NYC. When not writing (or loitering) she can usually be found traveling the world or jumping out of airplanes. She became interested in HIV education while working with the Red Cross in Fiji. This was an enriching though terrifying experience as she hates snakes almost as much as she hates grammar. She counts Fiji, Cuba and Tanzania as second homes and strongly believes in the power of self love and red lipstick.