I cheated on my girlfriend – help!

Posted by Guest Blogger on March 11th, 2010

The below is a guest blog post from one of our readers. Please share your advice with him by leaving a comment below.

I am writing this blog anonymously, as I really don’t know how to get out of this hole I have dug myself into.

I am a fairly regular reader of this site, I have read articles on the importance of condom use in the fight against HIV, and never really thought it applied to me because for the last year and a half I have been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend.

man worried

**photo posed by a model**

I’m 19 years old and don’t usually consider myself reckless, however about a week ago I had a one night stand with a random girl after meeting her out on a night with my boys. I’ve never cheated before – never even considered it, but this girl put it on a plate for me… ok not literally on a plate, but I didn’t have to work for it at all — and towards the end of the night she was all over me. My mates didn’t try and stop me, even though they know how much I love my girlfriend – which I’m not very pleased about.

It was pretty clear what was going to happen when the lights came on in the club and we shared a taxi back to hers. I don’t know why there was no resistance on my part, but there wasn’t, and as soon as we got back to her place, we were going at it. It didn’t take long before we got down to business, she asked if I had any condoms but I don’t even use condoms on my girlfriend so I never have a use for them – I would have felt a bit stupid stopping there, and to be honest after eight beers I was in no position to act responsibly anyway.

The gutting thing is I don’t even remember much after that, I don’t even think I even finished, and the next thing I remember is waking up to this stranger who I assumed was my girlfriend! That is when it hit me the hardest – along with the hangover I felt a mad sensation of guilt come across me. The girl was pretty casual about it all in the morning and before I could even make my excuses she was hinting at me to leave, which left me wondering if this was normal for her and added to my paranoia and guilt over the past week.

The guys I was out with all think it’s really funny, and have given me the nickname,  “The dark horse” and I can’t really blame them because I would probably be doing the same thing if it was one of them, but I’m having difficulty laughing this off.

I have been avoiding sleeping with my girlfriend since and I know if I don’t soon she will start suspecting something is wrong but I haven’t been tested yet and I would never forgive myself if I gave her something. I don’t know whether to tell her about it straight up and basically kiss the relationship goodbye or to keep it to myself. I don’t know whether I could deal with the guilt in keeping it from her and to be honest I don’t trust my mates to keep it quiet either.

What should I do? I don’t want to lose my girlfriend over this, yet if I don’t tell her I will have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life.

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18 Comments...
  1. b says:
    March 11, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    definitely tell her BEFORE someone else does. if she forgives you it will make your relationship that much stronger. & remember YOU did it now take responsibility for your actions. you sound like a good guy who made a mistake. really stress to her that you feel it was a mistake. good luck!!

  2. jizz says:
    March 11, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Hey Kid, chin up! Confess to her what happened, but make sure she is relaxed when you’re telling her. Tell her everything and make sure you keep apologizing, if she loves you the same way you love her, she will try to forgive you, but it will happen ONLY over time. However, i must advise you to take the test, before you guys sleep together again. It is the only thing at this stage, and knowing is better…always. You seem genuine and sincere, make sure this NEVER happens again, and if you’re a believer…PRAY!

  3. Cynthia says:
    March 12, 2010 at 3:55 am

    DEFINITELY be open and honest with her. She is the innocent one in this. Please get yourself tested before any sex with her. I was one of those “bad girls”, behaving the same way your bar chick did. I count my blessings that I did not give nor did I contract an incurable disease. STD’s including HIV do not discriminate. I’ve seen an extended family member die of AIDS. It is a slow painful death. If you cannot control yourself when consuming alcohol then by all means do what I did, stay out of the pubs unless you’re out with a family member who may wanna step out, or limit your booze intake to 2 max. But you MUST come clean with your girl. Of course she’ll be suspicious if you don’t tell her anything. She’ll also be very angry I’m sure, but imagine her anger if you were to pass an STD to her. Do the right thing.

  4. Raycy says:
    March 12, 2010 at 10:12 am

    *smile* I appreciate your honesty and for the first time I understand how the cheat could of occured. That being said your actions are not excusable. You need to face the reality, the more you act ‘weird’ is the more pain you are going to put her through.

    Just tell her the truth with the same honesty as you wrote it, understand that she will not be able to come to terms with it and chances are she will push you away from her. You may have to give her some space for a while but still reminding her that you are sorry, u love her and still want to be with her.

    If she loves you and thinks it could work, she will take you back but do note, it will take her a while to get over and there would be a soar spot in your relationship. It will be hard for her to trust you in the future in similar situations.

    Most importantly you need to get tested and should continue refraining from sexual intercourse with your gf.

  5. carol says:
    March 14, 2010 at 11:10 am

    You should 1st get tested, you need to know your status not just for your gal but 4 yoself 2 then tell her cz yo gal will finaly pick up on the guilt and its better when it is comin from you. finally cut down on the drinkin coz u made an irresponsible decision wen u were high..u cant let that happen ever again.

  6. Candace says:
    March 17, 2010 at 2:15 am

    Well you seem pretty certain that the guilt will affect you and hence your relationship if you don’t let it out. Also you mention that your friends may even spill it, so it’s best you say it to her yourself. Convince her that you knew it was a stupid mistake, but u should also give her proactive promises that show you are serious about preventing this in the future, e.g. limiting your alcohol intake on a general basis, hanging with at least one responsible guy who’ll have your back, calling her before you go to bed just to check up and let her know you’re home safe (and alone)! Might take away some of your freedom but trust has gotta be rebuilt somehow, and it may b a long and painstaking process, but if she is the one u love, definitely worth it!

    As to the test, you know what to do…

  7. Jizz says:
    March 17, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    What has happened since?

  8. Gc says:
    March 17, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    itz messd up dat u dint use a rubber… ad hav said build a bridge n get ova it bt in yo situ, u cant hav xx wit yo gal bcoz u myt infect her wit sum… so man up n tel her o go 4 a check up..if u safe kip it 2yoslf n mak sure it dnt happen again! if u tel her, she gon leave u o do the same az u then 4giv u! u decide

  9. Polly says:
    March 23, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    why do you want to tell your girlfriend? that’s your own guilt you want to appease. get tested first of all to make sure you haven’t given her anything but depending on when you did this, you might not even be able to detect if you do have anything.
    telling her will hurt her and potentially end your relationship – if you know it was a one time only thing then don’t tell her. but if you think your friends will tell her (which makes me wonder what type of friends you have) then you better tell her before she finds out from someone else. you’ll just have to spend the rest of your time with her making it up with her, without her knowing why…

  10. alicia says:
    March 27, 2010 at 3:50 am

    from the girls point of view….

    it’s odd, my boyfriend, who is also 19, cheated on me last october with this girl he dated for a few weeks while we were on a break last year. TELL HER! he had maybe 4 beers tops that night, and wasnt even drunk. Said he used a condom but i dont believe him…. Honestly, you NEED to tell her. I was told over facebook by the girl he cheated on me with. And the only reason I am on here now is because whenever he is away on work, I look up ways to get over it.

    It broke my heart, we were just about to move in together, and now that we have I can keep better track of him…. but I hate that I feel the need to do so now. finding out by the girl, honestly still makes me cry. I have always been a very strong person, and this honestly hurts more than you know. I still dont know if he gave me anything, I suspect maybe, but even after all of his apologies, he still hasnt gotten tested.

    You’re girlfriend will most likely forgive you, but I have come very close to leaving tyler a few times since then. It took him getting on his knees before me in tears begging me to stay and describing our future together, to get me to stay. And i still wish he would say all of those things more often. Honestly if she forgives you, show her how much you love her every chance you get! It still breaks my heart that I have to threaten leaving him in order to get him to say those sweet things to me in desperation.

    I know that if he constantly tells me how sorry he is, randomly. and constantly describes what he wants our future to be like, and tells me how special I am and how much i mean to him, then that will be all it takes to keep me by his side for the rest of our lives.

    Because you may notice, she will begin to show you her love a lot more, because she feels as though it is her fault and that if she was better, you wouldnt have cheated. Thats how i feel sometimes. And at that point, i analyze everything he does, ass she will most likely do. so if you do one little thing wrong, she’s going to assume her insecurities about why you cheated are right. So CONSTANTLY remind her how much you love her, and do so by limiting the word “love”. use other words…. and i promise you, that although it will take months, even years, your relationship is work fighting for, literally and figuratively.

    good luck!

  11. JC says:
    March 28, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    You know, alcohol is a drug, not only does it inhibit your judgement when driving a car, it also inhibits your judgement with people and situations. Things you would normally not do while sober you are more likely to do when drunk. This being said, what you did was wrong. You know it, that’s why you feel guilty. You betrayed someone you loved and gave into temptation. You need to get it straight with her, tell her the truth, and be prepared for the consequences. Even if she does break up with you, perhaps you will learn from this experience and be all the more wiser for it.
    Yes, you need to get tested, but that is just an after affect of your mistake. You chose to go along with the girl and give in to what she wanted.

    Regarding your friends, hey, they’re people too. They are not going to protect you, esp if they’re drunk as well. You are accountable for your own actions. You are an adult now, it’s time to own up to your own mistakes. Your friends may care about you, but at the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and deal with the consequences of your choices.

    I really hope things work out for you, and that you become a wiser person from this experience.

  12. charley says:
    March 31, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Tell your girlfriend, but i would say get tested first. I feel sorry for her although she doesn’t know (i don’t think). Good luck

  13. jessy jackson says:
    April 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    just tell your girlfriend the truth, it was your own fault for drinking to much in the first place and getting yourself in that position, if that girl was allover you you should of rejected her from the very beginning of the night and you wouldn’t of had this problem, get a grip and be honest and truthful like a proper boyfriend should be!!!

  14. Tarzan says:
    April 13, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    I have just fucked up the same way you have man, I am telling my Girl friend today. I dont know how to say it to her but i know its not gonna end well. I wish u good luck bro.

  15. aaron says:
    April 23, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Tell her dont let her “find out” i dudnt tell me and whew in the long run you may lose her but she does know your human and fuck up and will forgive you and respect you but not stay with you. But if you are ment to be it will work out just give her space and dont start thinking she will cheat cause you did she wont man. Makr sure you “check in” alot i know it may sound like no freedom but look at your dession with your freedom. And lots of love not just befging her not to go but random stuff like flowers for no reason etc BUT BEFORE ANYTHING CAN BE FIXED FORGIVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY

  16. aaron says:
    April 23, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    I know from expenince man i did everything the wrong way tried yo hide it etc ate me up i hated myself for so long and just last night ive finally been able to forgive myself and its empowering im on top of the world i got soo lucky she stayed and we are rebuilding and talking about marrige etc and i know my personal self that it cant and wont ever happrn agian shes the love of my life lol strry i got off track your supose yo be getting advice lol make it simple process 1 tell her 2 forgive yourself 3 dont. get jelous and over bearing she wont cheat but may leave u for this 4 rebuild the trust let her know where u are 24/7 2 reason it will let her know you are behaveing and also let her know u want her im every part of your life no secerts no this is my thing if you say play a sport involve her dont have friends she haaent meet either and if she disapproves listen cause in the end she will be ur life and family not ur “boys” think about the future.not. the haveing fun bs now if you wanna get drunk and “get some” do it with her lol if you talk to her. she will do guy fun stuff with you just be open and ask her u knoe from experince with all that good luck man. And uf you see this steph i love you!!!

  17. aaron says:
    April 23, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Lol typos damm touch screen phones lol

  18. Emma Shearer says:
    June 17, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    If you lose her and want to get her back after she leaves you then we can help you

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