You can never know it all when it comes to creating the right messages about prevention. People are so complex, and so surprising. Even when you know everything there is to know about HIV you still end up making decisions that often shock you. Why did you sleep with that guy /girl without protection? Why did you do it again? These are questions we agonize over, especially in those moments when we’re sitting in the waiting room, anxiously awaiting the results to be “negative” or “positive”. When you get the “green light” you swear that you will never ever have sex without a condom again. And a couple of months down the line, you do it anyway. God forbid, you get the other, dreaded result, and you feel as if you will never forgive yourself for being so “damn stupid”!

Conventional wisdom has told us that when people perceive themselves to be at risk of HIV, are able to use condoms (or negotiate their use), then they will use them. Risk perception is where it all lies, some say. But so what about risk perception? What about if in that moment, all you can think about it is, “it means so much to him/her, if we don’t use a condom”, “we feel closer or in love when we have unprotected sex”- at that moment nothing matters more than the happiness of your partner, and the feeling of “closeness” and “trust”. And that’s where it gets thorny.

As a psychologist, I have always been interested in the way other people can influence your decision-making. Sex is about two people and it can be hard to make any decisions alone. No matter how much in control you feel, I have a hunch that you’ll always be influenced (knowingly or unknowingly) by the other person. This is why our messaging has to move from the personal to the interpersonal. How we do that, I have no idea!! But if you have any suggestions-let me know! In the mean time, I’m going to be researching how the “other” affects your decision-making in risky situations. I’ll let you know how that goes, and how that can inform the way we think about prevention and the type of negotiation skills we should be teaching.

In the meantime though, your best bet of keeping safe, is actually being with somebody who wants to keep safe too. At least then you can both influence each other to do the right thing.